Finlympics

2009 Finlympiad First-Day Results

2009-03-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

TUMBLING

G: Tammy
S: Gina
B: Norm

2-ON-2 WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL

G: Amber (MVP), Crystal
S: Tiffany, Tammy
B: Norm, Doris

3-ON-3 COED VOLLEYBALL

G: Dale (MVP), Crystal, Tammy
S: Tiffany, Amber, Wayne
B: Norm, John, Doris

LEE FINLINSON WEDDING CLASSIC (COED VOLLEYBALL)

G: Wayne (MVP), Dale, Tammy, Tiffany
S: John, Norm, Amber, Spencer, Crystal
B: Doris, Kent, Lee, Paula

MEDAL COUNT

Tammy: 3 golds, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 4 medals (10 medal points)
Crystal: 2 golds, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 3 medals (7 medal points)
Amber: 1 gold, 2 silvers, 0 bronze = 3 medals (7 medal points)
Dale: 2 golds, 0 silver, 0 bronze = 2 medals (6 points)
Norm: 0 golds, 1 silver, 3 bronze = 4 medals (5 medal points)
Wayne: 1 gold, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 2 medals (5 medal points)
Tiffany: 1 gold, 2 silvers, 0 bronze = 3 medals (5 medal points)
Doris: 0 gold, 0 silver, 4 bronze = 4 medals (4 medal points)
Spencer: 0 golds, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 1 medal (2 medal points)
Gina: 0 golds, 1 silver, 0 bronze = 1 medal (2 medal points)
Kent: 0 gold, 0 silver, 1 bronze = 1 medal (1 medal point)
Lee: 0 gold, 0 silver, 1 bronze = 1 medal (1 medal point)
Paula: 0 gold, 0 silver, 1 bronze = 1 medal (1 medal point)

GOLD MEDALS

Tammy 3
Crystal 2
Dale 2
Amber 1
Tiffany 1
Wayne 1

Toe Touches

2007-05-11T23:22:00.001-07:00

G: Jeff Young
S: Tiffany
B: Crystal

Contest for the next week: What'll be Ferd's next crime?

2007-05-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

What do you think Ferd will be convicted of next?

Post your entries and reasons by May 18 at 5 p.m.

Megan Knell reinstated

2007-05-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

The lifetime ban of Megan Knell was rescinded when it was found out that she was an assistant coach for the state champion color guard squad. The ban is thus rescinded forever.

Tammy's suspension completed

2007-04-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

Tammy has now completed her suspension and is reinstated.

The Debate: The Current Best Whiffleball Players

2007-04-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

1. LEE

I never thought I would even think Lee was the best whiffleball player, but it is hard to argue with his stats or amazing record of walk-off home runs.

2. JOHN

Always an MVP threat, although his numbers seem down.

3. MITCH FREI

Perhaps the best start for a rookie we have ever seen.

4. WAYNE

I'd expect things to normalize this summer to see John and Wayne No. 1 and No. 2.

5. BRIAN KNELL

Decent rookie season has him mentioned as one of the 25 greatest of all-time.

6. DANTE'

His game has improved this year.

7. SPAIN

Too much time working at Gold's Gym and watching Borat have impacted his performance.

8. FURGATORY

Best nickname in the game.

9. NORM

Still great ... even in retirement

Lee's Burning Question: Who is (or are) the greatest wiffleball player(s) ever?

2007-04-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

Normally, I don't take suggestions from redheads. But, in this case, I think Lee has a great idea. His question is to ask: Who is the greatest wiffleballer of all-time? We'll hear your answers, and the player with the most votes will win a Finlympic medal.

Here are the candidates, as I see them, ranked in order of who I think are the best:

1. BRANDON

Strengths: By some accounts, particularly those in the Beckstrandian Era, the greatest wiffleballer ever. The Beckstrandian Era is wiffleball's equivalent of the Negro leagues. These pre-Finlinson League of Baseball statistics are not official stats, but it is rumored that Brandon's dominance of the era was unmatched. He's a combination of wiffleball's Satchel Paige and Josh Gibson. Furthermore, Brandon had an epoch career in the FLB as one of its founding members. The Original Dominator, Smoltz was unquestionably the FLB's marquee player of the 1990s.

Weaknesses: Most people don't remember Brandon's prowess, even though Brandon was deservedly the first Wiffleball player enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Still, even his dominant numbers in early Finlian whiffleball history dictate that he take the top spot.

2. JOHN.

Strengths: Realistically, he has the best numbers in whiffleball history, and is a consist triple crown threat. He probably is the best hitter, and he is an above-average pitcher, who can get guys out five innings out of six. But it's that one inning he gets tagged that is problematic.

Weaknesses: In ultracompetitive games (and what games that we play, aren't?), John can ruin the whiffleball experience through constant, heated (often times nonsensical) arguments. In such situations, he can be a difficult teammate, which may explain why John's teams have yet to win the big one, and why that call from Finnytown has never come.

3. WES

Strengths: A hardworking, scrappy team player, who led his team to several Finlinson World Series titles. His blue collar style of play earned Wes the respect of his fellow players, and the admiration of FLB fans, who lobbied for his enshrinement to the Hall of Fame in 1999.

Weaknesses: His game has been in decline in recent years, as family demands have required him to spend less time at Finny Field and more time with Nicole and Skyla.

4. WAYNE

Strengths: Second only John in production in the last five years. He can hit for power and average. He's an average pitcher, but unquesitonably can quiet Dante's bat any time. Elected to the Hall of Ballas in 2002, a sort-of second-string Hall of Fame, along with John and Dale.

Weaknesses: Same as John's. The Hall of Ballas argue that they are better than the Hall of Famers but have yet to show it in head-to-head showdowns with the Hall of Famers.

5. LEE

Strengths: Unquestionably the most dominant whiffleball player in 2007. For the first time, Lee, an All-Star in 2002, is owning the league, which has put his resume above those of Jeff, Dale and even Norm. His longevity and team-oriented style of play also really give his resume a bump.

Weaknesses: His quick start to 2007 may be an aberration. Lee hits slightly above the Finndoza career-wise.

6. JEFF

Strengths: Probably the greatest Finlinson pitcher of all time in that Norm has never got a hit off of him.

Weaknesses: Like Brandon, Jeff was a Beckstrandian Era phenom, whose scant appearances in FLB games make it difficult to make a case for him.

7. NORM

Strengths: A Hall of Famer more for his contributions to the game as commissioner, statkeeper, announcer, commentator and journalist. Won several World Series championships in the 1990s and was the All-Star Game MVP in 2002, after being voted in by the fans.

Weaknesses: Terrible fielder, hitter, pitcher and base runner.

8. L. TOM WHITEHEAD

Strengths: Currently holds the distinction of being the best non-Finlinson ever to play at Finny Field. Whitehead was always reliable: When called to come play, he'd kiss Dixie Whitehead goodbye and hustle down on his 10-speed to Finlinson field. Probably the best fielding third baseman in Finlinson history. Once famously played a game minutes after quarreling with Roger Reid on the phone.

Weaknesses: His notable absence this year will make most fans forget who he is. His decision to choose basketball over whiffleball may be a profitable one, but ultimately, it is a poor one.

9. ANDREW SPAINHOWER

Strengths: Made history to be the first player to ever be seriously injured during the course of a game when he broke his collarbone his rookie season.

Weaknesses: Has never been the same since his injury and has played sparingly in the Bigs. This year may be his first full year of Major League Whiffleball, and this season also looks like it will be cut short.

10. NICK BORROWMAN

Strengths: A good player, who could hit for both power and average. Great fielder as well.

Weaknesses: Played sporadically in his multi-season career.

11. CRYSTAL

Strengths: Largely hailed as the greatest base runner in Finlinson history, back when the little girls where allowed to run as the ghost runners. You could always rely on Crystal make smart decisions on the base paths.

Weaknesses: Has never had an official at-bat in FLB History.

12. DANTE'

Strengths: His guns. Probably the strongest player in FLB history.

Weaknesses: Hits below the Finndoza, average fielder, and prone to the same temperamental behavior as John and Wayne.

13. MITCH FREI

Strengths: Clearly, the best of the rookie class of 2007; he can hit for power and average.

Weaknesses: Average fielder, an unknown quantity as a pitcher.

14. CAMDEN VAN GILDER

Strengths: Didn't cost his team a World Series because he used a banned substance.

Weaknesses: His whole game.

15. DALE

Strengths: Struggled with the Finndoza line early in his career, but in recent years his hitting had a taken a definite step forward.

Weaknesses: Terrible pitcher. Adequate, at best, as a fielder. Seemed more interested in flexing his muscles for Ken Lister's enjoyment (Ken Lister asked me to mention that he hated it and thinks Dale is a scrawny runt) than actually playing the game. Ultimately, Dale falls this far down the list because his Kiwi-Strawberry Shasta problem cost his team the 1999 World Series.

Also on the list ...

16. Brian Knell
17. John Beckstrand
18. Nathan Syphus
19. Tammy Finlinson
20. Furgatory
21. Erika Finlinson
22. Isaac Finlinson
23. Kevin Williams
24. Joey Vincent
25. Amber Finlinson

This week's honorary Finlympian: Jerry Sloan

2007-04-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

We know the NBA won't honor him because every freakin' NBA writer couldn't find Utah on a map. But we all know the job Jerry Sloan did and why he deserves to be coach of the Year over Sam Mitchell, who won the weakest division in the NBA; Jeff Van Gundy, who should win with two superstars; and Avery Johnson, who had the Mavericks. It's a joke that Sloan has never won it. NBA writers should be ashamed.

April 23: Jerry Sloan, Finlympics NBA Coach of the Year
April 16: Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds, steroid pioneers
April 9: Bronco Mendenhall, BYU football coach
April 2: Ohio State basketball, Finlympic national champions.
March 26: Rafael Araujo and Dee Brown, Jazz cheerleaders
March 19: Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report" host
March 12: Thomas Kun, Hungarian.
March 5: L. Tom Whitehead, Finlympics National JUCO Player of the Year
Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

Identification issue aside, the buttloaf issue is a linguistic one, not a Dante' one

2007-04-22T16:32:00.001-07:00

For a few days, an underground notion has began wending its way throughout the Finlympian communication channels. It is this unfounded notion that I wish to address today before this false rumor's attempt at being factual is cemented as an actuality.

I wish to attack the idea that the attempt to ban "buttloaf" is an ad hominem attack on Dante'. In the original conceptualization of the idea to ban the word, the idea focused on the nuisance of the word, not as a way to discount Dante'. My opposition, in totality, to the word buttloaf consists only to the elimination of the word. This is a linguistic issue, not a Dante' issue!

What I failed to realize is how Dante', to use a Burkean term, is identified with the word. To put it another way: To hear the word "buttloaf is to think of Dante'. So exhaustive and complete is the term buttloaf with the name Dante', that the two share a commonality that cannot be divorced from either term. This is not to say that Dante' is a buttloaf, but that buttloaf is Dante's catchphrase; and, as such, the catchphrase has become not just a part of Dante's identity within our group, but the term has become Dante's chief identity within the group. Dante' is not without the buttloaf, and the buttloaf is not without the Dante'.

We saw how this interidentification between Dante' and buttloaf has become so inexonerably linked, and how this link has been made so substantively and with such totatlity that the suggestion to ban the word immediately became linked as an attack on Dante', as evidenced by the postings in the past few days on this Web site:

*One post said, 'If there was no "butloaf" then there would be less of Dante.' This suggests that because the term is soaked in the idea of Dante', then if the term went away, so would Dante'. Clearly, this is a fallacious conclusion. But it reiterates the point that the term buttloaf and Dante' are one; and, in the eyes of this particular poster, this interidentification is so deep, that the elimination of the term is seen as an elimination of the substance of Dante'.

*Tammy wrote: "i think butloaf is about the stupiedest word anyone has come up with probuly becuase dante` came up with it." Thus, Tammy makes the banning of the word personal. She wants it banned because it brings up bad memories of playing Rook with Dante'. This trigger word has become identified, in Tammy's mind, with her negative associations with Dante'; as such, Tammy wants the trigger to be removed, so that she no longer has to think about Dante'.

*The idea that Dante' and Buttloaf have achieved a consubstantial relationship is cemented by Spain's post: "Lets face it, life would not be the same without butloaf. without butloaf, dante would have got on sammy, without butloaf, dale would have never thrown a metal bat at dante's head after losing in the intelligence contest, and without butloaf, the only way to get jeff mad enough to kick you would be to fart on him..... nuff said"

Spain's argument is basically the same as Tammy's in that he agrees that the term "buttloaf" is a trigger word, triggering memories of his interactions with Dante'. The difference comes in how Spain perceives these interactions, as Spain categorizes these interactions with Dante' as positive. Hearing the word "buttloaf" brings about an endearment toward Dante in Spain's mind.

Please note: My original article and subsequent first post made no mention of Dante', yet all subsequent posts have brought Dante' into the fray. In a way, absorbing Dante' into the argument at first struck me as an unnecessary, but now as I unravel how buttloaf has become mainstreamed as Danteian term, I see that this is a necessary evil.

I think the above post, as demonstrated in the Burkean analysis that I have offered here, show a clear, unmistakeable link between Dante' and the word buttloaf in the minds of most who are familiar with both.

Thus, one may assume that the attempt to shed the word buttloaf is an attempt to shed Dante'. This, however, is not so. Rather, this is an invitation for Dante' to find a new word, a new catchphrase, a new, more mature identity.

The word "buttloaf" has been good to me over the years, from the flapping of the arms to the Sconecutter incident of '04. But like high school, Ty Detmer's time at BYU, Dixie College, and getting on a hot blonde chick every day for a year of my life, all good things must sometime come to an end. All catchphrases eventually expire because they wear out their welcome. Just look at the world of advertising: "Fake the funk on a nasty dunk" eventually died out, as did the "Where's the beef?" lady, "These aren't Folgers crystals," the Swedish bikini team, "I love you, man!" and "Hit hard! Hit Lee! Hit Lee in the nards!" Lee is no longer Goo. Dale is no longer the Dizzy Devil. I am now more Sledgehammer than Norm. Things change because times change. Even the Energize bunny has quit going. Just as Disco wore out its welcome in the '70s, Buttloaf has worn out its welcome now.

This is not a Dante' issue; it's a linguistic invitation. It's the invitation to replace the past with a more glorious future; it's an invitation to not let yesterday stagnate today and stall tomorrow.

Should "Buttloaf" be banned?

2007-04-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

The deputy commissioner wants to impose a ban on the word "buttloaf" in the Finlympics headquarters. Would you favor or oppose the ban. Give reasons as to why or why not. Best reasons win medals.

Amber's curfew set at 7 p.m.

2007-04-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

The Hungarian, the deputy commissioner, has set Amber's curfew at 7 p.m., after Amber did not come home until 2 a.m. Monday night.

"It was a school night too," said the Hungarian. "I never stayed out that late on a school night. I took my studies very seriously. And my 2.8 GPA speaks for itself, as does where I am in life."

Commissioner Vincent applauded the Hungarian's decision.

"Amber's life has been out of control ... for too long," he said. "Someone needed to intervene. I'm glad he helped her out."

For years, Amber has been rumored to have been hanging out with a tough crowd, the Jetettes.

"As she became more and more assimilated to the Jetette lifestyle, she became more and more self-absorbed, more abrasive, and less willing to show the Finlympian spirit that symbolizes excellence," Kun said. "This are unFinlympian traits, and she clearly needed to be reprimanded and redirected."

The Finlympics administrators hope that the curfew will help Amber break her drill team habit.

"It's really sad to see my girls into drill team," said Doris Finlinson, "I'd rather have them addicted to crack."

Kun named interim deputy commissioner

2007-04-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Finlympics Headquarters
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah

Thomas Kun, a.k.a. "The Hungarian," was named the interim deputy commissioner of the Finlympics while Brian Knell takes a two-year sabbatical.

Kun was chosen over Tammy Finlinson, the other finalist.

"Thomas assured me that his first order of business would be to go to Deseret Hills and ask Tammy be returned to the sixth grade for the remainder of this school year and all of next school year," said Norm. "Tammy did not share that same outlook. In fact, she seemed to think her straight-A's dictated that she should move on, but that is clearly an erroneous assumption at this point."

Kun, basking in his new position while sitting on the opulent blue couch at the Finlympic headquarters, texted many hot honeys to let them know of his new position.

"The girls dug the old deputy commish, and they'll dig the new one even mo'," said Kun.

Vincent applauded Kun's determination.

"This is what the Finlympics is all about: making connections, introducing people to steroids, and excluding people who tick us off," the commissioner said.

Bonds calls steroids a 'good investment'

2007-04-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

Giving the opening speech for the Finlympics' steroids week, Barry Bonds told the Finlympians that steroids had been a "good investment for him."

"People think that the only thing I got out of steroids was a better home run total," Bonds said. "Not so. My bank account has also grown. I think I make almost $8 million more a year because I use steroids. And I only spend around $200,000 annually on steroids. You do the math. Where else can you get such a good return on your investment?"

Bonds said steroids have had no side effects on him.

"I was angry before, so 'roids rage is nothing abnormal for me," said the Giants' slugger.

Why you weren't chosen

2007-04-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

As with any position, those who don't get it wonder why and complain loudly that they weren't chosen for the post. So, after receiving some complaints, here's why you weren't selected as a finalist:

Amber: Honestly, you're life is falling apart. You are no longer a Jetette, so you've completely lost your identity. Yet you still have the Jetette attitude which makes you difficult to work with. And you have take English 0990, which raises a question whether you have the critical thinking skills to handle the job.

Crystal: You are very impressionable. And Nikelle's negative peer pressure is going to dramatically change your life. There's a high chance that if Nikelle gets into drugs, so will you. And with Nikelle's connections to SkyWest or HIGH WEST, it's probably like she'll begin using soon. Plus, you just became a Jetette, which means you will become increasingly difficult to work with.

That is all. For now.

Finlympics to kick off steroids week

2007-04-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

The Finlympics is the one sport that proudly embrace the contributions of steroids to the sporting world. To commemorate steroids and the way that have, for instance, made baseball much, much more watchable, the Finlympics organization has decided to name this week as Steroids Week.

On Monday, represents from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-op will be at the Finlympics to hand out free samples to Finlympians.

"I told BALCO leave the designer steroids behind," Commissioner Vincent said. "We want steroids showing up in our athletes' urine tests. I told the athletes, 'If you're not using steroids, then you're not really competing.'"

On Tuesday, Barry Bonds will address the Finlympians.

"I'm so glad that Barry and Mark (McGwire) started using steroids," Deputy Commissioner Brian Knell said. "I prefer my baseball with steroids."

On Wednesday, Jose Canseco will show up with free hypodermic needles and show Finlympians how to inject steroids.

"Without steroids, Jose Canseco never could have lifted a shovel, let alone hit around 400 home runs in the major leagues," said Lee Finlinson.

Lee is hoping his new use of steroids will enhance his home run totals. "Wes and I hope to become the new Bash Brothers," Lee said.

On Thursday, an unnamed assortment of the Hungarian's friends will inform Finlympians how to sneak illegal drugs into the country.

"I once had a friend get shot in the head by a drug dealer," the Hungarian said. "It was awesome."

On Friday, Microsoft and Dell team up to show Finlympians computer-generated images of how they would look after they have used steroids, and also will give Finlympians statistical analysis into how their stats will improve after they commence a steroid program.

On Saturday, the Finlympians will gather to share their first 'Roid Rage together.

"There will be a lot of angry Finlympians beating the crap out of each other," said Dante'. "It's gonna be awesome.

Andrew Spainhower can't wait for the week to begin.

"This week is going to be awesome," said Andrew Spainhower, a 98-pound weakling in desperate need of steroids.

Commissioner Vincent is also looking forward to the week.

"Steroids will give our competitions just the boost they need," Vincent said.

Letter to the editor: Dale be smart more I than.

2007-04-15T15:19:00.001-07:00

Deer editor,

Wy peephole thinks I dumm. I be smart more you than. I grattuated wit haunrs from Dicksie High Scrool. I besst sermics student ever. Donny make bong in sermics; I make somthing else. My pot not for pot; my pot show ardistic kree A thivity. I now smardest person in Organ. Keep tha ledders comming.

Love,

Dale

Letter to the editor: Kun's tactics unnecessary

2007-04-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Editor,

I am personally apalled by Thomas "The Hungarian" Kun's actions in the deputy commissioner race. He brings to the news conference, announcing him as a finalist for the job, an article that ran in commie-pinko, leftist rag that asserts Tammy needs to repeat the fifth grade. It's clear he is running a smear campaign. This is unacceptable. It is disgusting. And it has no place in a democratic election. I know I already said it, but I am apalled! And one day, Thomas will be bald.

That being said, if Thomas wishes to persist in bringing up slanderous, slightly-true stories about Tammy than I have a whole archive of everything Tammy has ever done wrong in her life. And I am willing to sell each story for $5 a piece.

Thank you. And keep on truckin'.

Sincerely,

Mallory Brown.

P.S. I think Lee gives a bad name to redheads

Tammy, Thomas named as finalists for deputy commissioner job

2007-04-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

Finlympic Headquarters
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah

ST. GEORGE -- The search to temporarily replace Brian Knell as deputy chairman of the Finlympics has been narrowed to Tammy Finlinson or Thomas Kun. But the chairman may still decide to not have a deputy commissioner during the time that Brian is on a mission.

"I really like the idea that Lee, who didn't want to be the No. 3 guy, if there was no No. 2 man, would now have to be the No. 3 guy because there is no No. 2 man," said Commissioner Vincent.

The chairman said Lee was eliminated from consideration because of his red hair.

"He just doesn't have the temperament for the position," the commissioner said.

But one of the finalists, Tammy Finlinsons, is also a redhead.

"She told me she was more of a strawberry blonde," said the commissioner. "I think other than, you know, a brunette, strawberry blonde is a good option. You get the fieriness of a redhead, but it is tempered somewhat because her blonde hair tells her to relax. You also get the fun, whimsical side of a blonde, but there is no ditziness because she's not a complete blonde. It's really a win-win; she would thrive in this position because of her hair color."

Norm said another reason why Tammy was chosen over Lee as a finalist is because she is a Finlinson.

When someone pointed out that Lee is also a Finlinson, the Commissioner said, "Well, in a technical sense, yes. But, really, what is a Finlinson? Is it a family? Or is it a lifestyle? Or is it an attitude? I'm more Finlinson than Lee will ever be."

When informed of Norm's comments, Lee said, "That's ridiculous. They would fire Don Imus for saying that kind of crap."

Norm countered, "That's true. But I'm not Don Imus. People love me."

So, besides strawberry blonde hair, what else does Tammy bring to the table?

"Tammy has finished the fifth grade ... maybe she's in seventh I can't remember," Norm said.

But Thomas, the other candidate, has graduated from high school.

"Yeah, but, honestly, they give those out to anyone," the commissioner said. "I mean, Dale got one. Look at this way; who's better educated: the girl who has studied and studied and studied and has outstanding grades but has only finished the fifth grade, or the guy who never studied and only went to school to hit on Lexi Rich and only graduated because it was time for him to get out of high school? Really, which one is smarter?"

The commissioner added, "I think Tammy has the potential to be the smartest Finlinson since me, or, in a more technical sense, Brandon."

So could Tammy beat Norm in an intelligence contest in, say, 20 years.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not get crazy," Norm said.

"That's total bullmahonkey," Tammy said.

Tammy's use of the bullmahonkey triggered a thought in Thomas' Hungarian brain.

"Wait," said the Hungarian. "Isn't the main job of the deputy commissioner to make sure Tammy repeats the sixth grade."

And then the Hungarian displayed a printout from an article written on finlympics.com that announced Knell's ascension to the role of deputy chairman. From that article, we now quote:

"Knell's ascension to the deputy commissioner role comes during a precarious time in the FOC's history. Amber has just been re-banned for comments she made to the press this week; Dale is leaving on a mission; and Tammy is in the seventh grade.

"'These are troubling issues,' Knell said.

"Knell will have no role in the disciplinary actions that the commissioner's office takes, but he will likely contact Deseret Hills Intermediate School about having Tammy repeat the sixth grade.

"'This is total bullmahonkey,' said Tammy.

"'That's just not seventh-grade vocabulary,' said Knell." Article reference: Hammer, Sledge. (2007, February 18). Knell to be named deputy chairman. The Finlympics Blog.

"How can Tammy be deputy commissioner when the prime responsibility is to have her earn her education?" the Hungarian asked.

"Who better than Tammy to ensure that she gets educated?" said Norm, adding that he only said she had a fifth grade education, which is why she'll have to repeat the sixth grade.

"I didn't have to repeat the sixth grade," the Hungarian said.

"That's because you didn't speak English," said Tammy. "If you said, 'I ... go ... bathroom,' they were so pleased you had learned the phrase, they passed you -- they didn't even care about the mess you left on your desk."

"It's not my fault; I didn't know what a toilet was until I was in the ninth grade," said Kun.

Fortunately, for Kun, the worst-smelling thing in the room was always Dale's farts.

So what qualifies Thomas for the position?

"Well, first of all, he's a brunette," said the commissioner, "so he has a good outlook on life but he's also a go-getter; he gets things done. But he also has blonde streaks, so you know he's a fun personality."

Norm added that being a foreigner helps Kun's chances.

"We try to be inclusive," said the commissioner, "except of freckled redheads named Lee. That's just icky."

The foreigner angle also works against him.

"It's clear he doesn't understand English very well," said Vincent. "I mean, he works at a place called the Cosmopolitan, yet it's located in Silver Reef. What's cosmopolitan about Silver Reef? And I hear that job is so easy Lee could do it. Plus, we know from the documentary "Borat," that Eastern Europeans are a sedicious, wild, uncouth and unrefined people, prone to debasing behaviors. High five! And we also know the Hungarian brain is not as developed as the American brain."

In a thick accent and broken English, the Hungarian countered that last point, "If American brain so much than Hungarian, then why Dante' an' Da-ale in stupid condesd," he said. "Me no in stupid kun-thest. I smart. Er. Dan those two dume Ises."

"That's mot saying much," interjected Tammy.

Here, Crystal jumped in, "That's mot saying much? Is that what you just said? Wow, you do need to repeat the sixth grade."

No timetable has been set for a decision.

"But Lee is still a bronze biotch," said Norm.

Who will take over the deputy commissioner spot when Brian leaves?

2007-04-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

From Finlympic Headquarters
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah

ST. GEORGE - The Finlympics announced this week that Deputy Commissioner Brian Knell will take a two-year sabbatical starting in August for personal reasons.

"I think he's kicking a drug habit," posited Tammy.

Her sister, Crystal, disagreed.

"I heard he couldn't swim," she said, "so they're sending him away until he learns how."

This incensed Amber.

"Why would you send someone just because he can't swim?" Amber asked.

"Because they have a pool in their backyard now, and he could fall it and could drown," said Crystal, who added, "Duh!"

Whatever the reason, Knell's quick departure from the role of deputy commissioner has the Finlympics reeling. And the big question: Who will take over.

The likely candidate seems Lee, the assistant deputy commissioner. Some rumors speculate that Lee will become the interim deputy commissioner. Yet, at the same time, just a few months ago, Lee refused the assistant deputy commissioner role initially because no one was, at the time, serving as deputy commissioner.

"How can I be the assistant to no one?" Lee asked.

Lee accepted the job once Knell was appointed. With Knell leaving, will Lee be what he dreaded becoming: An assistant to no one?

"Yes," said Commissioner Vincent. "I couldn't promote Lee to that role a few months ago because I didn't feel he was ready to handle the all-important responsibilities of deputy commissioner. It's now a few months later and nothing has changed, so I can't promote him to that position."

Vincent said he likely will not appoint anyone as the interim deputy commissioner.

"Brian is irreplaceable," Vincent said.

And what about Lee?

"Replaceable," the commissioner said.

So will Lee leave the post now that he has no deputy commissioner to assist?

"We'll see," said Tammy, "but I hope Donny takes over as deputy commissioner. He's dreamy."

This week's dishonorary lifetime ban: The University of Florida

2007-04-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

These guys cheat more than Andrew Spainhower, who ironically is their biggest fan. They only won their national titles because of pre-arrangements with NCAA chairman and well-known Ohio State hater, Myles Brand.

April 9: The University of Florida, repeat cheaters
April 2: Karl Hess, Tony Greene, Edward Corbett, NCAA title game referees
March 26: Debbie Dujanovic, KSL non-investigative reporter
March 19: Jon Stewart, "The Daily show" host/bigot
March 12: Rosie O'Donnell, talk show host/fat lesbian
March 5: Carole Mikita, KSL reporter/anchorwoman
Feb. 26: Dick Bavetta, NBA referee
Feb. 19: Osama bin Laden, hellbound terrorist
Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

This week's honorary Finlympians: The Ohio State basketball team

2007-04-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Three days later, and I'm still so freakin' mad at the way the national championship game was refereed that I could spit on Dick Vitale's bald head. I can't believe more people aren't as outraged as I am about this obvious conspiracy among referees and NCAA administrators to ensure that Florida won the national championship. It's so clearly obvious that Florida's title was given to them instead of won. The complacency on this issue is a sick disease that threatens to ruin honest competition everywhere. I mean, really, how can we be so gosh-darn apathetic that we can allow blatant cheating and a transparent conspiracy go unpunished and even unnoticed.

I really believe University of Florida President Bernie Machen must have bribed the NCAA to let his team win both titles, neither of which they deserved. I mean, honestly, the way Florida got into the BCS Championship game is certainly suspicious. To suddenly leapfrog Michigan into the No. 2 spot after a lackluster showing against a very mediocre Arkansas squad in the SEC Title Game? Impossible. Unless the AP poll compilers were paid off. Clearly, that's what happened. If Florida had played Michigan (who only lost to Ohio State because of where that game was played ... is that really a fair way of determining who gets put in the national title game), we all know the blue-and-maize would have prevailed. And we all know the real football champion, the undisputed best team in college football, was the USC Trojans. To me, the Rose Bowl was the real championship. USC are the champs. That a similar thing has now occurred in basketball is alarming to me, as it should be to any fair-minded fan who values equitable refereeing and a level playing field.

What happened the other night is sick. Because of that, I believe no true college sports fan would ever debase himself as to root for the University of Florida.

April 2: Ohio State basketball, Finlympic national champions.
March 26: Rafael Araujo and Dee Brown, Jazz cheerleaders
March 19: Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report" host
March 12: Thomas Kun, Hungarian.
March 5: L. Tom Whitehead, Finlympics National JUCO Player of the Year
Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

This week's dishonorary Finympics lifetime ban: Karl Hess, Tony Greene, Edward Corbett, NCAA championship game referees

2007-04-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

Like all of you, I watched tonight's NCAA championship game with great disgust. Never have I seen a game where the referees were so blatantly giving every litte, freakin' call to one team. It literally was 5-on-8 out there. Who can win in such a situation? In fact, I admire Ohio State for playing as well as they did against such adversity. If I was a Florida fan, I would be ashamed of myself. I wouldn't even step outside for a week because I would truly know we won a championship that Myles Brand and other head honchos at the NCAA pre-determined we would win--and instructed their referees to make sure it happened. Buckeye Fans everywhere, please know that you are the official FINLYMPICS NATIONAL COLLEGE BASKETBALL CHAMPIONS!. Florida Gators, please drown in a pile of your own vomit. Thus let it be written. Thus let it be done.

April 2: Karl Hess, Tony Greene, Edward Corbett, NCAA title game referees
March 26: Debbie Dujanovic, KSL non-investigative reporter
March 19: Jon Stewart, "The Daily show" host/bigot
March 12: Rosie O'Donnell, talk show host/fat lesbian
March 5: Carole Mikita, KSL reporter/anchorwoman
Feb. 26: Dick Bavetta, NBA referee
Feb. 19: Osama bin Laden, hellbound terrorist
Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

Where is Spainhower? Contest Results

2007-04-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

G: Amber
S: Mallory
B: Unknown contributor

G: AMBER

POST: I think that i know where he is... He is hidding under his bed becasue he is unsure and scared. He does not know what to do with his life. He recently has been fired from his job at Golds Gym. He does not know what to do with his life. His free membership in no longer there and that means no working out in his gray T-shirts and showing off for the ladies at the gym is a major problem. I think that he will come out as soon as he figures everything out. Ha ha ha
From Amber... i did not remember my blogger account and everything

REASON: This one wins because so many people asked me, "Did Spain get fired from Gold's Gym."

SILVER: MALLORY

POST: I think that andrew went on a vacation to purroo and took his monkey bobby with him-

REASON: I could see Spain owning a monkey and loving the monkey enough to run off to Mexico with it.

BRONZE: UNKNOWN

POST: This is an easy one... Obviously andrew went into hiding due to the fact that his quest for making out with young women was failing and failing fast. And the only way he could feel good about himself was to muster up any game he had left and go on a camping trip with some slut named kalani... where passionate love making took place.

REASON: It's probably true.

Where was Crystal contest?

2007-03-29T14:36:00.001-07:00

Crystal came home from school three hours late today. When we asked where she was, she gave a million-miles-per-hour response, clearly indicating that she was nervously putting forth an excuse. Her speech rate and nonverbals betrayed that she was lying and that she did not want us to know where she really was. So here is the question for this contest: Where was Crystal?

The All-time Jazz team & the All-time worst Jazz team.

2007-03-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

Vote now for who should comprise a team made up of the best Jazz players ever:

PG
SG
SF
PF
C
Sixth
Coach

And the worst team that can be made of Jazz players:

PG
SG
SF
PF
C
Sixth
Coach

This week's honorary Finlympians: Rafael Araujo and Dee Brown

2007-03-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

You got like guys who even though they have little hope of seeing the floor, they are still up there cheering their butts off for the Jazz. These two, Araujo and Brown, are the best cheerleaders the Jazz have. For that matter, we commend Kevin O'Connor for the Kris Humphries-for-Araujo, which has clearly been to the advantage of the Jazz. And we commend for taking Dee Brown in the second round.

March 26: Rafael Araujo and Dee Brown, Jazz cheerleaders
March 19: Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report" host
March 12: Thomas Kun, Hungarian.
March 5: L. Tom Whitehead, Finlympics National JUCO Player of the Year
Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

This week's dishonorary lifetime ban: Debbie Dujanovic

2007-03-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

I know that this is the second KSL reporter I have banned. Moreover, it is the second female KSL reporter I have banned. So you might think I have a problem with KSL. This is not true. They are the official local newscast of the Finlympics. And the preferred local newscast of one sledgehammer. So you might say, sledge must have a problem with female KSL reporters. Not so. Amanda Butterfield is totally fly. But these two b*****s capture my ire. Mikita is a terribly smug self-righteous reporter who always has this aura as if to say "I am better than whoever I am interviewing," which wouldn't be a problem if she was interviewing the fry cook at Frostop, but she's interviewing the prophet with her I-am-better-than-you-smirk.

But Dujanovic is worse.I can't believe they pass her off as an investigative reporter. I mean, I can even accept Bill Gephardt's idiotic "Get Gephardt" witch hunt as investigative reporting. But no way can I accept Dujanovic as an investigative reporter. I mean, damn. The commercial promoting her as a hard-hitting journalist includes this lamest of questions when she goes up to a guy on the street and says, "How's this new law working out for you." The guy looks at her blankly. So she adds, "They ... they can tow your car now."

This is like going up to Lee and saying, "See, that girl over there, how is she treating you."

And Lee says, "I've never met her."

So Dujanovic says, "You know she could reject you. ... tell me how you feel about being rejected by that girl."

"She hasn't rejected me," Lee says.

"But she could," Dujanovic says. "Now tell me how you feel, beeyotch!"

Anyhow, why is this so troubling? First of all, this is Debbie Dujanovic's freakin' highlight. This is the best work this so-called journalist has to offer. She is made doubly annoying by her short hair cut that somehow whips around into her mouth--making her look freaky. At least Mikita looks normal. And then Dujanovic's commercial ends with "Real Investigations. Real Results," which is a clear rip-off of the Jazz's lamest slogan of all-time: "Real Fans. Real Players. Real Fun. Our Utah Jazz." That slogan did not need to be recycled.

If it was any good, we would use it hear at the Finlympics where we are proud to say, whether it makes sense or not:

* Yo quiero Finlympics.

* Just Finlympics It.

* So easy a Finlympian could do it.

* Have driven a Finlympian lately.

* Hey, you know this Finlympian.

But we have never said ...

* Real Finlympics. Real Finlympics. Real Fun.

Debbie Dujanovic, our message to you is simple: Be original. Get a better hairstyle. And become a journalist.

But don't you e'er come near the Finlympics.

March 26: Debbie Dujanovic, KSL non-investigative reporter
March 19: Jon Stewart, "The Daily show" host/bigot
March 12: Rosie O'Donnell, talk show host/fat lesbian
March 5: Carole Mikita, KSL reporter/anchorwoman
Feb. 26: Dick Bavetta, NBA referee
Feb. 19: Osama bin Laden, hellbound terrorist
Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

Competition: Guess the Question

2007-03-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

Cody said, "Dante', can I ask you a question?"

Dante replied, "Whatever you are going to ask, the answer is no."

Cody then tells Dante' what he was going to ask and holds Dante' to his promise to say "no."

What did Cody ask Dante'? Post your answers here. Best answers will win medals. This competition will close 4/4/07.

411: Andrew Spainhower

2007-03-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

Post your theories about the mysterious disappearance of Andrew Spainhower. Where could he be? Who took him? Why did they take him? What are they doing to him? Is he a spy for Canada, or do they just not trust anyone who ever lived in BOTH Florda and Iowa. Let's hear your theories. Best theories and Most Creative Theories will win medals. Contest ends April 2, 2007.

Finlympics.blogspot.com Update

2007-03-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

We have now changed a feature about our site. You no longer have to be a registered user with blogger.com to post to this Web site. Anyone can. In fact, to celebrate this, we will be awarding medals to the people who post a message up the fastest. You must respond this posting.

Stay sexy, St. George.

This week's honorary Finlympian: Stephen Colbert

2007-03-22T16:17:00.001-07:00

Although his show has only been watched by 5 percent of Finlympic participants, FOC commissioner Norm announced today the show will be the FOC's officially-sanctioned late-night comedy show.

March 19: Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report" host
March 12: Thomas Kun, Hungarian.
March 5: L. Tom Whitehead, Finlympics National JUCO Player of the Year
Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

This week's dishonorary lifetime ban: Jon Stewart

2007-03-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

The host of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" has been airing his small-minded, liberal views delivered with the expected liberal air of superiority for quite some time now. But he has become more outrageous and more bigoted, like liberals are, lately. In particular, Stewart has been more bold in expressing the bigotry he has toward Christians on his show. That bigotry has become transparent, yet it is lauded by liberals, far and wide--despite the fact that liberals claim to be against bigotry in all its forms. Indeed, bigotry against Christians has become a popular bloodsport among the American left in recent years, no doubt spurred on by Stewart's aggressive hate speech. Maybe it's time to scrap "The Daily Show" and give Colbert a full hour. Just a note: This is the third straight week we have banned a woman. But we'll give Jon Stewart this: Stewart's a much better-looking woman than Rosie O'Donnell--and probably gets better looking women.

March 19: Jon Stewart, "The Daily show" host/bigot
March 12: Rosie O'Donnell, talk show host/fat lesbian
March 5: Carole Mikita, KSL reporter/anchorwoman
Feb. 26: Dick Bavetta, NBA referee
Feb. 19: Osama bin Laden, hellbound terrorist
Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

Medal Results

2007-03-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

Pet Feeding

G: Norm
S: Amber
B: Tammy

Blondeness

G: Crystal
S: Dale
B: Nikelle

This week's honorary Finlympian: Thomas Kun

2007-03-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

This week, we honor the great nation of Hungary by honoring the only Hungarian we know. The Hungarian gets this deserved honor for his cool, spiky hair; his intelligent insights that he makes while sitting on the couch, and for hating Germany. Also, he maybe the greatest waiter in Cosmopolitan history. That's right, I am openly dissing the waiting skills of one Lee Finlinson and one Derek Taylor, felon.

March 12: Thomas Kun, Hungarian.
March 5: L. Tom Whitehead, Finlympics National JUCO Player of the Year
Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

This week's dishonorary lifetime ban: Rosie O'Donnell

2007-03-10T18:58:00.000-08:00

We haven't liked her for years. It all started when she was selected to play Betty Rubble. Rosie O'Donnell as Betty Rubble? Eww! Betty Rubble was one of the hottest cartoon women of all time; Rosie O'Donnell is just cartoonishly ugly. Honestly, she should have been cast as Fred Flintstone: She looks just like him. Ugly, ugly. She looks like one of those old, hairy, half-man East German swimmers. Next, she had her small-minded talk show where she went on an ignorant, self-serving, fallacious argument against gun control. Oh, great. Just what we need: Someone who can't read telling us what to think! Then, she comes out as lesbian. Double yukkers! That's three strikes. Fortunately, she is making that annoying show "The View" go away, so we'll give her props on that, but that's about it.

March 12: Rosie O'Donnell, talk show host/fat lesbian
March 5: Carole Mikita, KSL reporter/anchorwoman
Feb. 26: Dick Bavetta, NBA referee
Feb. 19: Osama bin Laden, hellbound terrorist
Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

Shake Making Medals

2007-03-10T18:53:00.001-08:00

G: Tammy
S: Doris
B: Dale

This week's honorary Finlympian: L. Tom Whitehead

2007-03-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

We are proud to honor L. Tom Whitehead as this week's honorary Finlympian, and not just because he's our blog's only reader. (And the only one to ever post to our Web site). But because he is having an awesome year as the star of the Yavapai College Rough Riders. Behind Tom's leadership, the Roughriders are playing great, and Tom was recently named his conference's freshman of the year. We only hope that next year, the NCAA gets it mess straightened and Tom can be where he belongs on the court as an ... Arizona Wildcat.

March 5: L. Tom Whitehead, Finlympics National JUCO Player of the Year
Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

This week's dishonorary lifetime ban: Carole Mikita

2007-03-06T17:46:00.001-08:00

Grrr. I can't stand her. If you want your news delivered with unfiltered wenchiness and unfeigned smugness, then Carole Mikita is your woman--well, that is, if she's even female. She deservedly becomes the first media personnel to be banned from the Finlympics. She won't even get so much as a press pass to upcoming events. So far, we have banned two politicians, two athletes, a referee, a terrorist and a missionary. We have banned women; we have banned men; we have banned people whose gender isn't certain. We have banned a black guy, an Arabic guy, an Italian guy, a gay guy, a Southern girl, a Southern boy and Camden Van Gilder. This shows we are diverse.

March 5: Carole Mikita, KSL reporter/anchorwoman
Feb. 26: Dick Bavetta, NBA referee
Feb. 19: Osama bin Laden, hellbound terrorist
Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

MEDAL STANDINGS

2007-02-25T00:43:00.002-08:00

GINA

G: 6
S: 4
B: 2
Medals: 12
Points: 28

TAMMY

G: 4
S: 4
B: 8
Medals: 16
Points: 28

NORM

G: 3
S: 6
B: 4
Medals: 13
Points: 25

AMBER

G: 7
S: 1
B: 1
Medals: 9
Points: 24

CRYSTAL

G: 4
S: 5
B: 2
Medals: 11
Points: 24

DALE

G: 4
S: 3
B: 2
Medals: 9
Points: 20

ABIGAIL

G: 4
S: 1
B: 2
Medals: 7
Points: 16

LEE

G: 1
S: 4
B: 4
Medals: 9
Points: 15

NIKELLE

G: 0
S: 3
B: 4
Medals: 7
Points: 10

DANTE'

G: 2
S: 0
B: 1
Medals: 3
Points: 7

DORIS

G: 0
S: 0
B: 1
Medals: 1
Points: 1

FERD

G: 0
S: 0
B: 1
Medals: 1
Points: 1

JOHN

G: 0
S: 0
B: 1
Medals: 1
Points: 1

KALANI

G: 0
S: 0
B: 1
Medals: 1
Points: 1

BAILEY

G: 0
S: 0
B: 1
Medals: 1
Points: 1

CONTESTANT STANDINGS

Contestant Gold Silver Bronze = Medals, Points

1. Tammy 4 4 8 = 16, 28
1. Gina 6 4 2 = 12, 28
3. Norm 3 6 4 = 13, 25
4. Crystal 4 5 2 = 11, 24
4. Amber 7 1 1 = 9, 24
6. Dale 4 3 2 = 9, 20
7. Abigail 4 1 2 = 7, 16
8. Lee 1 4 4 = 9, 15
9. Nikelle 0 3 4 = 7, 10
10. Dante' 2 0 1 = 3, 7
11. Doris 0 0 1 = 1, 1
11. Ferd 0 0 1 = 1, 1
11. John 0 0 1 = 1, 1
11. Kalani 0 0 1 = 1, 1
11. Bailey 0 0 1 = 1, 1

FAMILY STANDINGS

1. Finlinsons 20 17 19 = 113
2. Finlinsons North 6 4 2 = 12, 28
3. Vincents 3 6 4 = 13, 25
4. Finlinsons Cali 4 1 2 = 7, 16
5. Mantles 0 3 4 = 7, 10
6. Caldwells 2 0 1 = 3, 7
7. Ferdinandos 0 0 1 = 1, 1
8. Kreitzers 0 0 1 = 1, 1
9. Taylors 0 0 1 = 1, 1

MOST MEDALS

1. Tammy 16
2. Norm 13
3. Gina 12
4. Crystal 11
5. Dale, Amber 9

MEDAL POINTS

1. Tammy, Gina 28
3. Norm 25
4. Crystal, Amber 24

MOST GOLDS

1. Amber 7
2. Gina 6
3. Tammy, Crystal, Dale, Abigail 4

FINLYMPIC MEDAL RESULTS

2007-02-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

Head Stand Style I

G: Amber
S: Crystal
B: Nikelle

Head Stand Style II

G: Amber, Gina
S: Crystal
B: Doris, Nikelle

Head Stand Judging

G: Gina
S: Tammy
B: Norm

Head Stand Spinning

G: Amber
S: Crystal
B: Tammy

Head Stand Endurance

G: Tammy
S: Crystal
B: Amber

Head Stand Endurance Interference I

G: Amber
S: Gina
B: Nikelle

Head Stand Endurance Interference II

G: Amber
S: Nikelle
B: Tammy

Jumping Style

G: Abigail
S: Gina
B: Tammy

Cheerleading

G: Gina
S: Nikelle
B: Tammy

Ceiling Touching

G: Tammy
S: Abigail
B: Norm

Best Llama

G: Gina
S: Tammy
B: Norm, Abigail

Bryson Impersonation

G: Crystal
S: Amber
B: Tammy

Dante' Impersonation

G: Tammy
S: Lee
B: Norm

Spelling Bee

G: Norm
S: Crystal
B: Lee

Kids' Spelling Bee

G: Abigail
S: Tammy
B: Cody Ferdinando, parolee; Gina

Lee Kicking

G: Abigail
S: Tammy
B: Gina

Coin Flipping

G: Lee
S: Nikelle, Gina
B: Tammy, Abigail

Coin Flipping Predictions

G: Norm, Amber (judge)
S: Gina
B: Nikelle

ROOK I

G: Gina, Crystal
S: Norm, Lee
B: John, Tammy

BEING GINA

G: Tammy, Gina
S: Norm
B: Bailey

ROCK PAPER SCISSORS

G: Abigail
S: Gina
B: Crystal

VACUUMING

G: Crystal
S: Norm
B: Dale

FLOWER WATERING

G: Amber
S: Norm
B: Dale, Crystal

SPINNING ENDURANCE (2/1/07)

G: Dante'
S: Lee
B: Dale

SPINNING (2/1/07)

G: Dante'
S: Dale
B: Lee

HYPOTHETICAL OCTAGON FIGHTING (2/1/07)

G: Norm
S: Dale
B: Lee

STEALTHNESS

G: Dale
S: Norm
B: Lee

STEALTH TOILET-PAPERING (Awarded 1/28/07)

G: Dale Finlinson
S: Norm
B: Dante' Caldwell

PING-PONG II (1/26/07)

G: Crystal Finlinson
S: Dale Finlinson
B: Tammy Finlinson

PING-PONG I (1/25/07)

G: Dale Finlinson
S: Lee Finlinson
B: Kalani Kreitzer

This just in

2007-02-24T21:08:00.003-08:00

But Gina's cooler ... because she lives in Payson where it's colder.

This just in

2007-02-24T21:08:00.001-08:00

Tammy's really awesome!

Norm, Lee, Spain & Jeffrey win Nationals Drill Team competition

2007-02-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

"It's just as valid as the Jetettes' national title," said Jeffrey.

Ruling: Nikelle still banned, Bailey's status under review

2007-02-24T21:01:00.000-08:00

Nikelle's name was misspelled on the exoneration order; therefore, she is still banned.

"Musta been a different Nikell they were reinstating," said deputy commissioner Lee Finlinson. "Nikelle Mantle is still banned."

"She's not a Finlinson; how can she even participate in the Finlympics?" said Tammy, who then implored Bailey also be banned.

"Nikelle's a Finlinson at heart," Crystal said, "But that big jerk Bailey can be banned for all I care. She's a butt."

Can Nikelle appeal?

"We'll see," said Commissioner Stephen Vincent, who added that the reinstatement appeal will have to decided by Lee Finlinson.

Vincent added that Gina Finlinson was now under probation for suggesting the matter be resolved democratically.

Nikelle was required to do 30 jumping jacks in the cold.

She wouldn't do it.

Tammy just got banned from the Finlympics; she also can be reinstated by doing 30 jumping jacks that have to be verified by Crystal.

The jumping jacks were performed and then Crystal locked them outside where they stayed the night.

Crystal, Nikell reinstated but under probation

2007-02-24T21:00:00.003-08:00

The Finlympics is worse for it.

Gina's #1

2007-02-24T21:00:00.001-08:00

Not Nikelle. She's banned. She can't be No. 1.

Crystal, Nikelle banned for life

2007-02-24T20:59:00.001-08:00

Yep, it's true.

Gina wins appeal

2007-02-24T20:55:00.001-08:00

Gina has earned a share of the Finlympic gold medal in the Being Gina competition, arguing successfully that since she is Gina, no one can be Gina better than she can be.

"It's total bullmahonkey," Tammy said.

"Once again, we are looking into having Tammy sent back to the sixth grade to repair that vocabulary of hers," said deputy commissioner Brian Knell.

G: Gina

----

Gina, Crystal win Rook 1 Title.

Gina and Crystal beat John and Tammy 825 to -155.

"Gina rocked," said Crystal.

Norm and Lee took silver because without playing they had a score of zero, which is superior to John and Tammy's tally.

G: Gina, Crystal
S: Norm, Lee
B: John, Tammy

Gina stripped of 'Being Gina' Gold Medal

2007-02-24T15:26:00.000-08:00

FINLYMPICS HEADQUARTERS
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah

The FOC announced today that Gina had been stripped of her 'Being Gina' gold medal because of un-Gina-like criticisms of the FOC.

The ACLU has threatened to intervene, claiming Gina's free speech rights were violated.

"We had a message for the ACLU from the FOC, and, interestingly enough, that message used some of the same letters that are found in FOC," said FOC commissioner Stephen Vincent. "Her free speech rights were violated. She's still allowed to speak and say whatever she wants. What the ACLU wants to do is free Gina from accepting responsibility for what she said. And, well, we believe that actions have consequences and when you try to divorce the consequences from the actions, then you are really eliminating responsibility."

"The ACLU doesn't have a clue," said an ACLU spokesman.

Meanwhile, the real controversial centers on whether someone else, besides Gina, is really deserving of the gold for being Gina.

"It is an issue," said Vincent.

At present, Norm was the silver medalist, and Bailey the bronze in the event, having been selected to those medals by Gina.

But with Gina's elimination, Norm was then asked to declare the gold medal winner. It was expected he would give it to himself. But in a shocking move, he gave it to Tammy. There was some debate over whether Tammy, or the New Gina, could appoint new silver and bronze medalists. But she wasn't allowed.

BEING GINA

G: Tammy
S: Norm
B: Bailey

ABIGAIL WINS ROCK-PAPER SCISSORS COMPETITION

Abigail Finlinson won gold in Rock-paper-Scissors, knocking off Gina in the final. In the bronze medal, match Crystal edged out Tammy and Lee with a score of 3.0 to 2.5 and 2.5.

G: Abigail
S: Gina
B: Crystal

Ethan Finlinson Award Winner: Dale Finlinson

2007-02-24T15:24:00.000-08:00

This award goes to the person we wish was here to compete with us in the Finlympics. The first recipient is Dale Finlinson, who has left us for two years. And although we wish he was here to enjoy the Finlympic experience with us, we are certainly glad he is where he is.

This week's honorary Finlympian: Ethan Finlinson

2007-02-24T15:19:00.004-08:00

Although he will never get to participate in the Finlympics, Ethan is deeply loved by all of us at the Finlympics and will forever be a gold-medal Finlympian to us all. In his honor, we are starting the Ethan Finlinson Award, which will go to the person who we wish was here to compete with us in the Finlympics.

Feb. 26: Ethan Finlinson
Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

Dishonorary lifetime ban: Dick Bavetta

2007-02-24T15:09:00.000-08:00

This one is long overdue. Bavetta and bin Laden are not much different in my book. Dick Bavetta cost the Jazz the 1998 NBA championship. You might recall it. His refereeing in Game 6 was the worst refereeing EVER in NBA Finals history. Gesticulating like someone who had just shaken hands with an electric fence, he adamantly waved off a 3-pointer made by Utah's Howard Eisley when replays clearly showed the shot was out of his hand before the shot clock expired. And with the same amount of bravado, Bavetta allowed a 3-pointer by Ron Harper that had clearly not gotten off before the buzzer. That's an undeniable six-point difference in a game that was won by one point. Bavetta might as well have been wearing a Bulls jersey.

On top of that legacy of shame, Bavetta has added some more. First, he lost a footrace to Charles Barkley. Then, he kissed Charles Barkley in the gayest moment in All-Star History. And, then, comes back, and screws the Jazz over again against the Nuggets--all because Carmelo Anthony was throwing a tantrum. How does this guy still have a whistle? And why the Helen is he allowed to referee Jazz games when he has a clear bias?

Choke on your whistle soon, Dick!

Feb. 26: Dick Bavetta, NBA referee
Feb. 19: Osama bin Laden, hellbound terrorist
Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

Knell to be named assistant deputy chairman

2007-02-18T00:50:00.000-08:00

FOC Headquarters
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah

The FOC announced today that Brian Knell will become the organization's deputy commissioner.

Last month, Lee turned down the role of assistant deputy commissioner, which would have made him the No. 3 behind Norm, who held the No. 1 and No. 2 positions.

"I ain't no bronze biotch," said Lee.

Late Saturday night, Knell contacted the FOC commissioner and asked for the job.

"I decided that move wasn't something an assistant deputy commissioner would make; it's what a deputy commissioner would make," Norm said. "So I said, 'Holla, my peep, you be the silver, yo, keep it real.'"

"I had no idea what he was saying," Brian said.

Dale speculates that neither did Norm.

Knell's ascension to the deputy commissioner role comes during a precarious time in the FOC's history. Amber has just been re-banned for comments she made to the press this week; Dale is leaving on a mission; and Tammy is in the seventh grade.

"These are troubling issues," Knell said.

Knell will have no role in the disciplinary actions that the commissioner's office takes, but he will likely contact Deseret Hills Intermediate School about having Tammy repeat the sixth grade.

"This is total bullmahonkey," said Tammy.

"That's just not seventh-grade vocabulary," said K nell.

Why the FOC wanted Tammy to repeat the seventh grade was not immediately clear.

"Our ways are not your ways," Norm said. "That's why we're freakin' awesome, and you guys are just freaks."

Norm instructed Brian not be an Amalickiah. No one understood the reference. Norm is asking people to read the 47th chapter of Alma, where it details how Amalickiah became the king of the Lamanites by some deceptive means. First, he got the Lamanite king to place Amalickiah as the No. 2 official among the Lamanites, and the king gave Amalickiah the job of getting the parts of his armies who didn't want to fight the Nephites to rejoin the army. Amalickiah instead went out and got himself appointed the No. 2 in the ranks of the Rebel Army, killed their leader to become the leader of Rebel Army, then killed the Lamanite king to become the Lamanite king himself; thus, uniting the Lamanite armies and becoming their king. So, you see, Amalickiah got himself appointed No. 2 and then killed the No. 1 to become the No. 1.

"It's just like college football," Norm said.

"My brain hurts," said Tammy.

"See!!! That's why she should be in the sixth grade," Brian said.

This week's honorary Finlympians: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer

2007-02-16T14:49:00.000-08:00

This week we honor two people as honorary Finlympians: Jazz All-Stars Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, who have the Jazz in first place in the Northwest Division by 8 1/2 games, and have team Sledgehammer in last place in the Finlinson Basketball Association by a good 25 to 30 games. Thanks for winning off the court, fellas. No thanks for losing on the computer.

Feb. 19: Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer, Jazz All-Stars
Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

Dishonorary lifetime ban: Osama bin Laden

2007-02-16T14:44:00.000-08:00

Osama bin Laden is this week's dishonorary lifetime ban for fairly obvious reasons. However, I would just like to point out that we banned Camden before we banned Osama. What does that say about Camden?

Feb. 19: Osama bin Laden, hellbound terrorist
Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

Proposal for a Crystal medal draws criticism; Amber banned again

2007-02-16T14:42:00.001-08:00

The FOC announced earlier this week that it was looking into adding a fourth-place medal, named the Crystal medal in honor of Crystal "Cris-Style" Finlinson.

This announcement has caused grave concern from many--no one more so than John Finlinson.

"I am the fourth child in the Finlinson family, it should be named after me," said John. Wes Finlinson disagreed.

"John's just being a baby," Wes said. "We should disown him, and then I am the fourth child, and the medal should be named after me."

Kent Finlinson said his family has no plans of disowning John.

Meanwhile, Crystal is also incensed over the suggestion.

"I won the Finlympics three years ago," Crystal said. "If anything, they should name the gold after me; the silver after Tammy, the bronze after Amber, and the whatever medal after Norm."

Amber objected to the comments.

"I was the best Finlympian in 2004," Amber said, "the gold should be named after me."

Commissioner Sledgehammer re-banned Amber from the Finlympics on the spot.

"She was on probation, and she blew it," he said. "Statistically, Crystal did take first place in the 2004 Finlympics. This (fourth-place medal) is a way to honor her for that without taking away from the tradition of the sport."

Tammy was likewise incensed that no one wants a medal named after her.

"We all know what a Crystal is, so we can make that kind of medal," Sledgehammer said. "Amber is also a color, so we could make a yellowish medal, if we were to name the medal after her, which we aren't, since she's been banned more times than Ben Johnson.* But Tammy? What the heck color would you make a Tammy medal? It's not a color; it's not a rock; it's just a girl's name."

"I would make it red," said Andrew Spainhower.

"Screw you," said the commissioner, who then walked away.

*- Ben Johnson won the 1988 Olympic gold medal in the 100-yard sprint but then was stripped of the award after testing positive for steroids.

This week's honorable Finlympian: Gordon B. Hinckley

2007-02-12T03:23:00.000-08:00

For having the guts to call Dale on a mission when no one else would.

Feb. 12: Gordon B. Hinckley, president, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

Dishonorary lifetime ban: Camden Van Gilder

2007-02-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

Camden is banned from the Finlympics because he actually went on his mission when he turned 19, bringing great shame to many of the Finlympians.

Feb. 12: Camden Van Gilder, missionary
Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

Amber reinstated on a probationary period.

2007-02-10T15:44:00.000-08:00

Amber Finlinson was reinstated to the Finlympics last night on a probationary period.

"She will be invited to participate in the block run," said FOC commissioner Stephen Vincent. "And from her behavior in that event, we will make a judgment about her role and involvement in the Finlympics as we go forward."

Amber--and no, we are not making this up--responded to her reinstatement by trying to get the event changed, claiming she had already won the marathon (she won gold in 2004) and by stating that the house where the Finlympics headquarters are on is not a block; thus, it cannot be used for the block run.

She was almost re-barred from life from the Finlympics on the spot.

"Commissioner Vincent showed great restraint in not banning her on the spot," said Megan Knell, a close friend of Amber's who witnessed the incident. "Had I been the commissioner, I would have banned her bony little ---." The rest of Megan's interview could not be heard because at that moment, Crystal Finlinson started vacuuming. She nearly vacummed up the commissioner's foot.

"What does she think she'll get a medal for vacuuming," said Vincent.

"Can I get a medal for vacuuming?" Crystal asked.

"Should I give her a medal for vacuuming?" asked the commissioner.

"Most definitely," said Crystal. "I'm really good at it too, I think. And Amber should get a medal for watering the flowers."

"As long as I get silver in both events," said Norm. "And Dale gets the bronze because he was taking a nap while this was going on."

The Bryson Cornaby Award Winner: Cody Ferdinando

2007-02-10T14:57:00.000-08:00

Cody Ferdinando becomes the first winner of the Bryson Cornaby Award, an award given to the Finlympian whose actions cause us to scratch our heads and brings a lot of frustration on himself. Ferdinando wins the award for being rejected by Taco Bell and several other low-class fast food restaurants when he applied for a job. Apparently, Ferdinando's recent conviction is making it difficult for the young Finlympic aspirant to find a job. Ferdinando also has yet to participate in the Finlympics, as he awaits the results of a pending background check.

"I won't pass," he said.

"Nope, he won't," said Commissioner Vincent.

Vincent said he will not boycott Taco Bell.

"I was actually surprised that someone can't get a job there," he said. "I have a higher opinion of their personnel today than I did yesterday."

Would the commissioner ever work there?

"Helen no. I'm not some loser," he said.

A special award banquet was planned at, ironically, Taco Bell where Cornaby was to present the award to Ferdinando. But it was discovered that if Ferdinando attended, he would be violating part of his parole that ordered him to stay away from Cornaby. The banquet was still held sans Ferdinando. Dante' accepted the award of behalf of Cody then buttloafed* Cody with the award later.

"I brought him home a chalupa," said Dale, who left the chalupa in the backseat of his car overnight before giving it to Ferdinando the next evening.

"The chalupa was all cold and there was a bite taken out of it, and it looked like it had been dropped in the dirt," said Ferdinando, who ate it anyway.

*-For those of you who don't know, buttloaf is jargon for hitting someone over the head with an object, usually a loaf of bread, and yelling "buttloaf! buttloaf!" while flapping your arms. Buttloaf is a registered trademark of the Dante' Caldwell Corporation.

Amber, Crystal win gold medals

2007-02-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

VACUUMING

G: Crystal
S: Norm
B: Dale

FLOWER WATERING

G: Amber
S: Norm
B: Dale, Crystal

Special dishonorary lifetime ban: John Amaechi

2007-02-09T02:05:00.000-08:00

Just when you have forgotten about the worst player in Jazz history, he goes and makes so you have to remember him and his .314 field goal shooting percentage. You'll hear a lot this week about how John Amaechi is a former NBA player. Don't be fooled. He was never NBA. He was CBA at best--and that's an insult to all CBA players. He just happened to trick some fools (see O'Connor, Kevin) into giving him a contract, so he could come in and play like crap. Oh, and here's the interesting part about that: He says once he got his guaranteed money, that's when he decided to focus on pursuing his alternative lifestyle. Essentially this was Amaechi's though process: "Let's see you just gave me $10 million to do my job, but I am going to take your money, forget about the job and focus on my sexual deviancy." All that tells me is that there is no honor in John Amaechi. Many people hoped he would be able to contribute to the Jazz--and he could have. But he chose not to. He'll be heralded by the idiotic media as a hero, but in truth is just a dishonorable man who stole money from his employer. Good riddance, Amaechi! Please just go away!

Feb. 8: John Amaechi, worst player in Jazz history
Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

Dishonorary Bag of Tiki Poo: Brett Johnson

2007-02-09T01:59:00.000-08:00

This is a special award for a total gomer. A big bag of flaming Tiki poo, for someone who disrespects the Finlinson family, and in the process, disrespects the Finlympics. That can't happen. And for such people we have take a shovel-load of Tiki's best and drop it on the doorstep.

The first recipient is the self-righteous prick Brett Johnson. We hope he and his gay lover, John Amaechi, enjoy the big pile of dog doo that has been left on their doorstep--Internet doorstep, that is.

Recipients

Feb. 8: Brett Johnson

This Week's Honorable Finlympian: Steve Young, NFL great

2007-02-05T17:30:00.000-08:00

The all-time favorite NFL quarterback of many Finlympians takes his place as an honorary Finlympian.

Feb. 5: Steve Young, NFL great
Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

This week's dishonorary lifetime Finlympics ban: Rex Grossman

2007-02-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

Shameful display in yesterday's Super Bowl cemented his position as worst quarterback to ever reach a Super Bowl. Yes, worse than Trent Dilfer

DISHONOREES

Feb. 5: Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears quarterback
Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

FINLYMPIC NEWS UPDATE: Caldwell's golds just another day at Finlympics

2007-02-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

Vincent, Caldwell win Finlympic gold

Norm won the hypothetical octagon fight, as it was unanimously agreed that he would triumph in the octagon.

Dante' Caldwell won gold in two events: spinning and spinning endurance.

DEMOCRATS WOULD THINK TODAY WAS A HISTORIC DAY AT THE FINLYMPICS

Yes, if Democrats, the world's most racist people, had been watching today's Finlympics (instead of sitting on the butts and hanging out with their butt-ugly "partners" making non-witty jokes about George W. Bush), they would have hyperventilated over the day's events and rushed to the nearest computer to write a drippy salvo for the The New Yorker.

Here, at the Finlympics, we don't notice race.

We judge Dante's accomplishments as a great achievement for a fellow competitor. So we congratulated Dante' and moved on with our lives.

Amber regrets comments

Amber Finlinson released a press release today, expressing regret over the comments she made that led to her lifetime ban from the Finlinson.

"I deeply apologize for the comments I made to Chairman Vincent," Amber wrote. "I fully realize now how my comments were intended to undermine the competitive spirit of the Finlympics. I accept that this punishment was deserved, and I also accept that my Finlympic career is over."

"However, I will not stop pursuing my dream of participating in these games. I am thining about starting the Knellympics and dominating those."

The Knell family said they have no such competition, nor has Amber contacted the family about holding such an event. Such talks are unlikely to commence anytime soon because the Knells have asked Amber to stay away from their home for one month because of derogatory comments Amber made to Megan in the moments after the Jetettes lost state.

"Really, Amber is out of control," said Andrew Spainhower, renowned sports psychologist. "It's madness."

MEDAL COUNT

2007-02-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

Contestant Gold Silver Bronze = Medals, Points

1. Dale Finlinson 3 3 1 = 7, 16
2. Lee Finlinson 0 2 3 = 5, 7
3. Norm Vincent 1 2 0 = 3, 7
3. Dante' Caldwell 2 0 1 = 3, 7
5. Crystal Finlinson 1 0 0 = 1, 3
6. Tammy Finlinson 0 0 1 = 1, 1
7. Kalani Kreitzer 0 0 1 = 1, 1

MEDALS (2/1/07)

1. Dale 7
2. Lee 5
3. Norm, Dante' 3

MEDAL POINTS (2/1/07)

1. Dale 16
2. Lee 7
2. Norm 7
2. Dante' 7

SPINNING ENDURANCE (2/1/07)

G: Dante'
S: Lee
B: Dale

SPINNING (2/1/07)

G: Dante'
S: Dale
B: Lee

HYPOTHETICAL OCTAGON FIGHTING (2/1/07)

G: Norm
S: Dale
B: Lee

STEALTHNESS (1/31/07)

G: Dale
S: Norm
B: Lee

STEALTH TOILET-PAPERING (Awarded 1/28/07)

G: Dale Finlinson
S: Norm
B: Dante' Caldwell

PING-PONG II (1/26/07)

G: Crystal Finlinson
S: Dale Finlinson
B: Tammy Finlinson

PING-PONG I (1/25/07)

G: Dale Finlinson
S: Lee Finlinson
B: Kalani Kreitzer

PING-PONG II (1/26/07)

G: Crystal Finlinson
S: Dale Finlinson
B: Tammy Finlinson

PING-PONG I (1/25/07)

G: Dale Finlinson
S: Lee Finlinson
B: Kalani Kreitzer

FINLYMPIC NEWS UPDATE: Lee rejects position

2007-01-31T20:56:00.000-08:00

FINLYMPIC NEWS UPDATE

World Finlympic Headquarters
1 Finn Plaza
St. George, Utah

LEE FINLINSON TURNS DOWN ASSISTANT DEPUTY CHAIRMAN POSITION.

On Tuesday night, FOC chairman Norm offered Lee the occasionally-coveted position of assistant deputy chairman at an undisclosed restaurant in or near St. George, said sources close to the chairman.

Mr. Finlinson turned down the commissioner on the spot.

"Halla if you hear me," said Lee when asked to comment.

Norm shook his head in disbelief.

"You can't go through life living on a catchphrase," Norm said. "At some point, you can't be saying 'holla if you hear me' at every great opportunity that comes along. It's time for the Goo to understand who."

"What the hell?" said Dale, when told of Norm's above quote.

Dale was fined a dime for swearing.

Amber was outraged.

"I got banned for life for poor sportsmanship, and I didn't even swear, and all Dale gets is a dime fine," she said.

To this, Norm signed.

"Ah, Amber knows her lifetime suspension is rooted in a pattern of ongoing sleights that she has perpetuated against her fellow competitors, and her repeated angered behavior when we ask her to do something simple like be a participant in the stealth competitions," Norm said.

As for Lee's refusal to be the assistant deputy chairman, Norm said he was disappointed.

As of now, neither the deputy chairman slot or the assistant deputy chairman position has been fulfilled.

Norm said he has no plans to fill the deputy chairman slot.

"Apparently, Lee was upset that he would be the deputy to no one," Norm said. "I maintain Lee is perfect to be the third-in-command, even if there is no second-in-command."

In such a scenario, why not just appoint Lee deputy chairman?

"Quite honestly, Lee isn't fit to be second-in-command," Norm said. "I can't have him a heartbeat away from the chairmanship. He has neither the disposition to be the chairman nor the feet to fill my shoes. Realistically, Lee is a No. 3, not a No. 2. A small forward, not a shooting guard. Have you seen his outside shot? Terrible."

Amber's suspension permanent.

Amber didn't file the appeal in the required time. She is hereby banned for life. The only possibility for Amber's punishment to be rescinded is for Norm to issue a pardon.

"That ain't happenin', yo," said the commissioner.

Amber couldn't be reached for comment, as her parents have disconnected her phone, after being disgraced by Amber's latest actions.

"She's a disgrace," said a source close to the Finlinson Family. "Out of the Finlympics and third in state in drill team. Disgusting."

Dale wins gold in Stealthness

Stealthness

G: Dale
S: Norm
B: Lee

FINLYMPIC NEWS: Amber's suspension likely to be upheld; Sledgehammer & The Tamborines to Play at Opening Ceremonies; Dale wins Gold in Stealth TPing.

2007-01-28T17:23:00.000-08:00

FINLYMPIC NEWS: Amber's lifetime suspension likely to be upheld

FINLYMPIC HEADQUARTERS
ST. GEORGE, UTAH

A straw poll of committee members found near-unanimous support for upholding the lifetime ban of Amber Finlinson, imposed last week by FOC Commissioner, Stephen "Norm" Vincent.

Vincent banned Amber for repeated unsportsmanship behavior. The latest incident involving her protestations that the ping-pong events shouldn't count because she did not qualify to participate in them.

"Udderly ridiculous," said a man dressed as a cow, when asked about Amber's behavior. "It's time for the Finlympics to moooove on."

A man dressed as a bull agreed with the cow.

"It's complete bulls****," he said, adding, "I should know."

It was unknown why the two people were dressed as bovine, but one can only speculate that they were protesting the announcement earlier in the day that Ronald McDonald is unlikely to be an honorary Finlympian any time soon.

"He's a jerk," Dale Finlinson said of Ronald McDonald. "When I was a kid, he gave a school assembly about not smoking. And then afterwards as I was walking back to class, I looked outside ... and he was smoking. And I thought, 'What a clown.'"

And Amber.

"She got an attitude when she become a Jetette," Dale said. "We don't know her upsetting behavior around us when we are trying to translate years of training into a Finlympic medal."

Norm and Dale are adamantly opposed to Amber's reinstatement. Lee said he is also unlikely to vote for Amber, but wants to hear what she has to say. Crystal is unavailable for comment as she was accidentally vaporized yesterday.

"It's that damn Van Gilder kid," said Lee of Crystal's vaporization. "He invented this vaporization machine, and then used it on her--and, dagnabit, if he doesn't know how to reverse the effects. We have Crystal's vapors in a jar while he tries to figure out."

Finlympic officials warned spectators from allowing the Van Gilder kid to vaporize them until he figures out how to undo the effects.

Without Crystal available for the hearing, it appears that Amber's appeal, which has yet to be filed and may not be filed, would succeed. Amber has until noon tomorrow to file the appeal.

SLEDGEHAMMER & THE TAMBORINES TO PLAY AT OPENING CEREMONIES

With the opening ceremonies slated to be held sometime this week, the FOC announced that the popular harmonica band, Sledgehammer & The Tamborines, will play at the opening ceremonies.

DALE WINS GOLD IN STEALTH TOILET-PAPERING

Dale was awarded gold in stealth toilet-papering. The event, held two weeks ago, was initially an exhibition Finlympic event. But today, the FOC decided to award actual Finlympic medals in the event.

Dale won for sneaking up and toilet papering Amber while she slept --not once, not twice, but three times in a one-hour period. Norm won silver for toilet-papering Dale with a whole roll of toilet paper while Dale was talking to Dante'.

"I mean, the whole time I was talking to Dante', I didn't realize I was being toilet papered," said Dale.

Norm can't believe that the fact he toilet papered someone who was awake didn't win gold.

"I am outraged," said Norm.

Dante' won bronze for an attempted but ultimately unsuccessful attempt at stealth toilet papering.

MEDAL UPDATES AFTER WEEK ONE

2007-01-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

MEDAL COUNT

Contestant Gold Silver Bronze = Medals, Points

1. Dale Finlinson 2 1 0 = 3, 8
2. Crystal Finlinson 1 0 0 = 1, 3
3. Norm Vincent 0 1 0 = 1, 2
3. Lee Finlinson 0 1 0 = 1, 2
5. Tammy Finlinson 0 0 1 = 1, 1
5. Kalani Kreitzer 0 0 1 = 1, 1
5. Dante' Caldwell 0 0 1 = 1, 1

TOTALS BY FAMILY

1. Finlinsons 3 2 1 = 6, 14
2. Vincents 0 1 0 = 1, 2
3. Kreitzers 0 0 1 = 1, 1
3. Caldwells 0 0 1 = 1, 1

STEALTH TOILET-PAPERING (Awarded 1/28/07)

G: Dale Finlinson
S: Norm
B: Dante' Caldwell

PING-PONG II (1/26/07)

G: Crystal Finlinson
S: Dale Finlinson
B: Tammy Finlinson

PING-PONG I (1/25/07)

G: Dale Finlinson
S: Lee Finlinson
B: Kalani Kreitzer

This Week's Honorable Finlympian: Ronnie Brewer.

2007-01-28T16:04:00.000-08:00

His big play off the bench Friday lifted the Jazz to a much-needed win over the loathed Denver Nuggets. The Jazz maintain a five-game lead over the Nuggets in the critical Northwest Division race. We can only hope that it holds. We know the Nuggets are good. But our Jazz are awesome. After honoring Ronald Reagan last week, and then honoring Ronnie Brewer this week, the question must be asked: Do you have to be named Ron to be honored? No. So don't be looking for a honorary Finlympic citation any time soon, Ronald McDonald.

HONOREES

Jan. 28: Ronnie Brewer, Utah Jazz
Jan. 21: Ronald Reagan, greatest president ever

This week's dishonorary lifetime Finlympics ban: Hillary Clinton

2007-01-28T16:03:00.000-08:00

Quite possibly the worst politician ever in American history. We ban her from the Olympics and hope the American people follow suit and banish her from not just the White House but from America. For Life. Mrs. Clinton: Go to Canada, you whory wench!!

DISHONOREES

Jan. 28: Hillary Clinton, whory wench/terrible politician
Jan. 21: Jimmy Carter, worst president ever

FINLYMPIC NEWS: Amber suspended for life

2007-01-26T15:02:00.000-08:00

FINLYMPIC HEADQUARTERS

ST. GEORGE -- The Finlympic committee announced Friday that Amber Finlinson has been banned for life for repeated unsportsmanship behavior.

Amber has three days to appeal the lifetime ban before the Appeals Committee, which consists on Norm, Dale, Lee and Crystal. Tammy is an alternative member and will cast the deciding vote in case of a tie.

As of yet, Amber has yet to file an appeal.

In other Finlympic news ...

CALDWELL INVESTIGATED

Ping-pong also-ran Dante' Caldwell is being investigated by the FOC for possible use of performance-enhancing drugs. The committee launched the investigation based on an anonymous tip. If found guilty, Caldwell could be banned for life.

DALE TO APPEAL GOLD-MEDAL GAME FORFEIT

Leading 18-10 in the gold medal game of Ping Pong II, Dale was ejected for two incidents: First, he used his hand to hit a ball in play, ala Diego Maradona's infamous "Hand of God" goal against England in the 1986 World Cup. This time, the action was recognized and Finlinson was hit with three technical fouls. A moment later, Finlinson used his head to redirect a ball into Crystal's court. At that moment, a conference between assistant referee Lee Finlinson and head referee Stephen Vincent was held. The officials decided to officially eject Dale, but allowed Dale to finish the game in case his planned appeal was upheld. Dale went on to win 21-13, but the gold medal, for now, officially belongs to Crystal, and the loss is Dale's only loss in eight official Finlympic games.

Ping-Pong Participants

2007-01-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

Records in all Finlympic Ping Pong events through Jan. 26.

Crystal Finlinson 2-0
Dale Finlinson 7-1
Kalani Kreitzer 1-1
Lee Finlinson 1-5
Tammy Finlinson 0-1
Dante' Caldwell 0-1

FINLYMPICS RESULTS

2007-01-26T14:53:00.000-08:00

PING-PONG II (1/26/07)

G: Crystal Finlinson
S: Dale Finlinson
B: Tammy Finlinson

PING-PONG I (1/25/07)

G: Dale Finlinson
S: Lee Finlinson
B: Kalani Kreitzer

This Week's Honorable Finlympian: President Ronald Reagan.

2007-01-26T14:19:00.000-08:00

Each week, we will name someone we admire as that week's Honorary Finlympian. This week we post-humously honor President Ronald Reagan, the greatest President in American history.

This week's dishonorary lifetime Finlympics ban: Jimmy Carter

2007-01-26T01:21:00.000-08:00

In addition to honoring someone each week as an honorary Finlympian, we will also be banning certain individuals from ever participating in the Finlympics because we despise these people and what they represent. This week's dishonorable lifetime ban goes to President Jimmy Carter, the worst president in American history, who among his many failures showed a hatred for the Olympics by refusing to allow the U.S. to participate in the 1980 games. Jimmy Carter: better out of office than in. And let's be honest: Jan. 20, 1981 was one of the greatest days in American history because it was the day we replaced the worst president, Jimmy Carter, with the best president, Ronald Reagan.

2004 Finlympics Medal Results Booklet

2007-01-25T16:40:00.000-08:00

2004 FINLYMPICS MEDAL RESULTS BOOKLET

Contestant Gold Silver Bronze = Medals, Points

1. Crystal Finlinson 10 9 10 = 29, 58
2. Tammy Finlinson 8 12 7 = 27, 55
3. Amber Finlinson 12 6 5 = 23, 53
4. Stephen Vincent 6 5 4 = 15, 32
5. Gina Finlinson 4 5 4 = 13, 26
6. Dale Finlinson 5 2 1 = 8, 20
7. Nicole Finlinson 2 1 0 = 3, 8
8. Nikelle Mantle 0 3 1 = 4, 7
8. Wes Finlinson 2 0 1 = 3, 7
9. Abigail Finlinson 2 0 0 = 2, 6
10. Isaac Finlinson 1 1 0 = 2, 5
10. Megan Knell 1 1 0 = 2, 5
11. Brandon Finlinson 1 0 0 = 1, 3
12. Kent Finlinson 0 1 0 = 1, 2
13. Dante’ Caldwell 0 0 1 = 1, 1
13. Erika Finlinson 0 0 1 = 1, 1
14. Jamie 0 0 1 = 1, 1

MEDAL LEADERS

Gold

1. Amber Finlinson 12
2. Crystal Finlinson 10
3. Tammy Finlinson 8
4. Stephen Vincent 6
5. Dale Finlinson 5

Silver

1. Tammy Finlinson 12
2. Crystal Finlinson 9
3. Amber Finlinson 6
4. Stephen Vincent 5
4. Gina Finlinson 5

Bronze

1. Crystal Finlinson 10
2. Tammy Finlinson 7
3. Amber Finlinson 5
4. Stephen Vincent 4
4. Gina Finlinson 4

Medals

1. Crystal Finlinson 29
2. Tammy Finlinson 27
3. Amber Finlinson 23
4. Stephen Vincent 15
5. Gina Finlinson 13

Points

1. Crystal Finlinson 58
2. Tammy Finlinson 55
3. Amber Finlinson 53
4. Stephen Vincent 32
5. Gina Finlinson 26

EVENT RESULTS

Modeling

G: Amber
S: Crystal, Dale
B: Dante’

Disgustingness

G: Dale
S: Amber
B: Tammy

Elite Rook

G: Norm, Crystal
S: Amber, Tammy

Marathon

G: Amber
S: Nikelle
B: Crystal

Cheerleading

G: Crystal
S: Amber
B: Tammy

Flexibility

G: Tammy
S: Crystal
B: Amber

3-Base Pickle

G: Crystal
S: Nicole
B: Tammy

Throwers
G: Norm, Wes, Dale

Elite 3-Base Pickle

G: Crystal
S: Tammy
B: Wes

Throwers
G: Norm, Nicole, Amber

Phase 10

G: Norm
S: Tammy
B: Amber

Toughness

G: Tammy
S: Crystal
B: Nicole

Extemporaneous Intelligence Test

G: Crystal
S: Amber
B: Tammy

2-person Team Debate

G: Wes, Nicole
S: Norm, Tammy
B: Dale, Crystal

3-person Team Debate

G: Wes, Dale, Crystal
S: Norm, Amber, Tammy

Headstand

G: Crystal
S: Tammy
B: Amber

Girls’ Pushups

G: Tammy
S: Amber
B: Crystal

Men’s Pushups

G: Dale
S: Kent
B: Norm

2-person team football

G: Dale, Tammy
G: Norm, Amber

Obstacle Course

G: Amber
S: Tammy
B: Crystal

Word Power

G: Brandon
S: Norm
B: Erika

Girls’ 100-meter

G: Amber
S: Crystal
B: Nikelle

Girls’ 200 meter

G: Amber
S: Tammy, Nikelle
B: Crystal

Girls’ 400 meter

G: Amber
S: Nikelle
B: Crystal

Karaoke

G: Megan
S: Dale
B: Amber

Synchronized Dancing

G: Gina, Crystal
S: Norm, Tammy

Team Choreography

G: Tammy, Norm
S: Gina, Crystal

Fear Factor

G: Tammy
S: Megan
B: Amber

Style

G: Crystal
S: Gina
B: Tammy

Stride Modeling

G: Gina
S: Tammy
B: Crystal

Freestyle Modeling

G: Crystal
S: Gina
B: Tammy

Piggybacking

G: Gina
S: Tammy
B: Crystal

Freestyle Abigail Carrying

G: Amber
S: Crystal, Gina
B: Tammy

Participatory
G: Abigail

Freestyle Isaac Carrying

G: Amber
S: Tammy
B: Crystal, Gina

Participatory
G: Isaac

Greco-Roman Wrestling

G: Amber
S: Crystal
B: Gina

Tag Team Wrestling

G: Amber, Tammy
S: Crystal, Gina
B: Norm, Jamie

Pumpkin Carving

G: Amber
S: Norm
B: Gina

Kids Wrestling

G: Abigail
S: Isaac
B: Norm

Kids Wrestling Coaching

G: Tammy
S: Crystal
B: Norm, Gina

Shimmy Shake

G: Gina
S: Tammy
B: Crystal